|
[20 Jun 2002|12:22pm] |
You are the ravest of dance parties, a must for the all night rave! Exciting company you make people feel sexy, sensuality and generally ecstatic. You make people feel close, at one with each other but can also make people feel nauseaous and anxious.If you spend alot of time with someone they tend to be hallucinating, they cant see clearly and feel like they are getting carried away with you. When you spend way too much time with people you fuck up their brain, heart and liver. However, after spending a wopping wonderful night with you, the next day people get deppressed thinking of you and how much they miss you. They get love sick and dont want to eat, they cant sleep, they feel sore in their muscels and cant concentrate for very long as they dream of when they will spend an exhilarating time with you again on the dance floor at the very next rave party. Fortunately for people, the more they see of you the more they realise how bad you are and eventually they dont see much of you anymore. Find Out If You Were A Drug, What You Would Be! quiz by ravenritings |
|
|
[20 Jun 2002|12:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
Ever have that feeling that sends you into a panic because your not sure if you owe one of your friends money and forgot to pay them? Just think of how mad they are getting at you, but they won't ask you about it because they don't want to be a tight ass.
|
|
| shitty day |
[16 Mar 2002|11:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"I'm on the rag" by the sharones |
] |
What the fuck is up with corn beef and cabbage and why does that make me have to spend the day with my grandparents? "Do you know what our purpose here on earth is?"
"Umm, to learn how to be closer with god?"
Christ, can't I just have lunch without jesus being invited.
And what the fuck is up with ex-husbands? How come I can't communicate with him at all?
We are just two different creatures.
Everyone is asleep and I'm stoned, going to smoke more, than go to bed. I really don't want to sleep.
I have to get up in the morning because life is stuff and whatever. Ghawd!
|
|
| colorgenics profile |
[11 Mar 2002|08:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
You appear to others around you as a person who is simply "laid back" From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy... You have the ability and you are the first to know this but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.
The way things are, it would appear that there are numerous stress factors in your life which are limiting your ability to move on ... and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone .... and you are right ... move back, take stock, and give yourself a chance to breathe.
You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time .. but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always right ... well maybe you are ... but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.
You are experiencing more than your fair share of stress following an acute disappointment. This may be the result of subconscious conflict between hope and necessity. The tension that you are experiencing following your unfulfilled hopes have given rise to anxious uncertainty. You have no doubt that things could get better in the future and so you refuse to make the necessary essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, you are likely to vacillate and concern yourself of trivialities of little consequence.
Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a "trier" and indications are that you will .... as indeed you have in the past "bounce back".
take the colorgenics test
|
|
| 40 hours without a cigerrette |
[03 Mar 2002|11:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
So I will start out, asking myself a series of questions and try to find out why I want to write. Do I just need to get stuff out of my head? Do I need to record my thoughts so I don?t forget my valuable lessons and realizations? Do I need to record this for my daughter?s sake? So she can understand me or understand life in general? I?m far to insecure to think I should be writing for the sake of any other individual. My connection with them is uncertain for I am not sure of my awareness to humanness or human nature. Or is acceptance more of a correct word? But then it runs full circle again in my head, throwing in education, family structure, and class? Am I the way I am because of the sins of our fathers and forefathers? Is that what made me do acid or be mentally ill? Am I mentally ill or just too aware? Did the acid make me aware? Does my mental illness make me insecure or did the sexual abuse? Did the medicine make me gay? Am I part of the ?culture creative? or the next generation of fucked up individuals. . Are we part of a mass awareness or mass delusion? Individual, possibly meaning- I, a self centered little universe unto itself. No one recognizing their connectedness. We are the universe. We are. I am. I am ?the great I am?. I am. We are. No, I am stoned.
I don?t think I could write something that could be someone?s philosophical pillow book, so I will write this as more of a journal since I?m not quite comfortable and want to just dismiss this as some sort of stoner meanderings. Is this a cry for help, a cry for someone to say to me, ?I know.? Maybe I?m afraid you?ll reject me and say, ?I?m not like that. You?re just a fucked up girl.? Will you see the connectedness? I guess I just need to know where I stand. It?s not my job to open your eyes. All I can do is open mine more. That hurts. It hurts to be so fucking aware. I know you. Yet I know nothing.
Do you know what I am talking about? I just need to know where I stand? I feel like maybe I?m trying to say ? I know you.? So let?s talk.
I?m so fucking insecure. I just looked up the definition of insecure; 1: not confident or sure. 2: not adequately guarded or sustained. 3: not firmly fastened or fixed. 4: not highly stable or well adjusted. 5:deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety.
Social anxiety disorder my ass, A whole society of insecure, fucked up, depressed, neurotic people. Are we any different as a whole or as a society than our parents, or their parents? Or are we all just too aware? We can see how our parent?s fucked up, that?s how we can assure ourselves that we?re not going to end up like them. But we?re not aware enough to see where we are fucking up and so, in our own way, we will end up like them.
How aware is too aware? Can your awareness change anything? I only hope to accept myself enough so that I can allow myself to change. For my own sake and for the sake of my daughter. Maybe it won?t be as painful for her and she can be less insecure and more wise and confident. Maybe I am a generation of breeders whose children will change the world. I want to change the world.
But I?m ashamed of this passion and I hide it inside. You won?t know how deep my mind runs and in such circles. This time of year affects me a lot and so does the fact that I?m trying to quit smoking. I?ve been thinking, should I write all this down in a book or would I rather talk to people and get to know them. Sit around and talk about life.
Philosophize.
|
|
| personality disorder test |
[01 Mar 2002|04:45pm] |
Fuck! I don't want to think about it. At least I'm not borderline like I first thought. hmm, whatta u know?
|
|
|
[27 Feb 2002|10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bla bla bla bla I can't stop the voices in my head .... |
] |
I hate group therapy. I feel as though I'm the healthiest one there. I'm not really, but I know all the lingo and I'm a little more aware of my issues than they are. I don't like the therapist very much either. I'm in there with three older men who have nothing in common with me. but if I drop out, will I just look like a loser. Will I just be running away from my issues again. I hate running away, it has never helped. (no matter how much I believe in it). But I really don't want to dredge up old issues, but the fact is they plague me all the time. It is just as much work running and hiding than it is to face it and deal with it. sigh,
|
|
|
[26 Feb 2002|01:04pm] |
Oh for him to touch me that way again
with such gentle fire
I split apart into atoms
only his kiss brings me back
cliche passion
eluding most
I've touched it
I possess it
holding onto it like a broken bird
not too tightly
gentle reasurance
falling through my fingers
|
|
| for starters |
[25 Feb 2002|11:29am] |
|
First Journal entry. I'm not quite sure what to make of all of this. I'm not sure what I want to say or spew out of my brain. But god-damn it all I've already got diarrhea from all of this stress. Another day, another cup of coffee.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
tornadomind's journal